Saturday, August 19, 2006

over analysing?

17th August @ 4.50pm.

I'm sat outside my folding camper in Somerset- that's southwest England for the uninitiated. The folding camper is half caravan, half canvas - a posh tent, or poor man's caravan, take your pick.

For the first time in 3-4 days, it's glorious sunshine and not horrendous vile driving rain.

Sue has taken Harry to Weston with her friends. Weston is a big seaside resort quite near to here. I can't abide shopping so I've agreed to hold the fort.

My mood is sanguine, accordingly I'm listening to blues, real blues; Gary Moore on my Ipod, while making notes on the pocket pc.

I can't work out if I'm getting more reclusive, rude, or just wanting my own space in my old age, but I just want to sit, without distraction and gather my thoughts while listening to my music.

The truth is that just sometimes I feel I need solace. I'm constantly working, rushing around and never sat still,always having some wretched deadline to meet and always doing things for oher folks. Don't get me wrong, I love helping folks, but folks are forever just popping in to say hello only as a pretext to ask for advice. Once I've helped out they're usually off like a shot... until the next time they need help.

The odd thing about my job, maybe it's just me, is that I have so many peripheral associates and no real deep friends.

Call it irony, but as I'm writing this, there are clusters of folks I know, sat around chatting and I'm here on my own. The mobile rang and it was a 'mate' in his own words 'just calling to pick your brains'. It's the 'just' that's the stinger for me.

I've often pondered this - is it a bloke thing as to why men don't seem to have deep friendships, or is it me over analysing things and just being a bit down? could it be that I hava a feminine side? Perish the thought.

It's a parodox that someone as overt and gregarious can often feel so lonely.

Time to cheer up now, the random play has just selected 'Cold as ice' by Foreigner...

update...back now!

5 comments:

Podcast Bob said...

It is called middle age Paul!

We all have to go through it I'm afraid, that time where you suddenly realise that you seem to be more like a janitor in the home, an oricle at work, and a social butterfly with no time to develop the solid freindships of younger years ;-)

It does get better, the kids hopefully turn into your mates, and you suddenly have time to rediscover yourself and find (hopefully) that you still like your wife and remember why you chose each other to be life partners.

Or you go and buy yourself a Harley Davidson and pay through the nose to get a bad back from a really bad riding position ;-)

I have had moments where I couldn't remember the last time I sat in a darkend room and really listened to music like I did in my youth. The simple pleasures that didn't involve, kids, fixing things, domestic duties, or worrying things which sit at the front of mind from work.

You just have to make time, matey! Stop trying to herd cats and get back to the simple things which made you, you!

Remember what they say 'don't forget to enjoy the ride!' it ain't a rehearsal, this is the real thing! So open another bottle, close you eyes and turn up the iPod!

Cheers

Bob

Adrian Pegg said...

Completely brilliant advice from Bob there.

Deep friendships have passed me by too - quite probably because of laziness on my part, but most likely because I am sure that I have never felt the need for them. I don't spend every night in the pub socialising - actually I don't socialise much at all.

Oh - and I did the motorbike thing at 39 (9 years ago), but I didn't fall for Harley Davidson and her enticing ways! It gave me the freedom I wanted.

I think you just need to get back to podcasting as soon as you get back. I know it makes you happy.

stupod said...

Paul please don't be disheartened mate. You have loads of genuine mates fella. Tis like going to church. Lots of people follow their religion/beliefs in their own way, even silently, and don't go to church every week. It's the same when it comes to calling and meeting your mates ... you can still be in someones thoughts, the only thing is that you don't know how much because they don't call you about every day stuff. In my experience, the lack of contact is an unfortunate side-effect of having loads of responsibilities. I have seen it in my mates and in myself.

All the best

Geoff

kosso said...

hey! Somerset is my home and I was born is Weston Super Mud ;)

You've explained why I like to work at home, so I can get things done, rather than have people tap my brains all the time.

Sure, I like helping people but I rarely ask much of others. After a while you tednd to withdraw for a while, while you gather your energies and emotions. It's a good time. I like my own company. I get things done - alot of the time in my head - while I can.

btw: we could talk in the next month or two about the P.U.M. ;)

cheers mate - enjoy the sunshine!

Kosso (in Boston)

Anonymous said...

I've felt the same Paul all my life and agree with Mr Pegg. When you have young kids a demanding career and no time to yourself you crave time on your own. My old boss use to go to the Lakes to a retreat and not talk to anyone for a week. He told me it was amazing, no family, friends or phone calls, Paul and NO LAPTOPS.

Heaven.

Jason (Manc - Oxford)